Holding the Weight of Desire
de·sire . dəˈzī(ə)r/ . Noun — a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.
One winter, I played a game with desire. I wrote my desires out and handed them to my partner. They ranged from laugh hysterically, take me out for Ethiopian food, surprise me with flowers and take me to Bali.
He fulfilled many of them one by one. He cooked me dinner, took me to my favorite restaurant and for a walk in the woods. It was thrilling to receive each one, never knowing when, or if they would come. I felt giddy and grateful in the receiving.
Him: I am working on your desire list. I want to get you your favorite perfume.
Me: Ohhhh! Thank you, love. (I really wanted that perfume!)
Him: (joyful and determined) Alright! I’m going to get it.
Over the next few months, conversations sounded like:
Him: (slightly perturbed) I’ve been looking in all the stores and cannot find that perfume you want.
Me: Thank you for looking. You can only order it online.
The Next Day:
Him: Damn, that perfume is expensive!
Me: (smiling) Yes it is.
Me: Thanks for looking babe.
I turned it into a game for myself and that made it became even more fun. With each leg of the conversation, I released attachment to getting the perfume. He was having his own experience fulfilling my desire and I didn’t get caught up in the how, when, or if, he would ever fulfill it. Time passed and he would bring it up every now and then. I kept attention on gratitude for him and my desire for the perfume, as opposed to my attention being on the perfume itself or on the attainment of it.
Pure Raw Desire.
Months passed and I was still joyful around my desire. The game was working me well. The role of the feminine is to hold the weight of desire. So often I haven’t held my desires because of my own limiting beliefs and sense of worth.
Holding the weight of desire means not getting caught up in the very compelling trap of my thoughts that would have me take it all back and shut down my desire. Thoughts such as Maybe he’ll get busy or bored of looking? Maybe the perfume is too much money, or too much trouble to search online? He’s not going to get it for me. I should tell him forget it. My desire is too much. I really don’t need that perfume.
These thoughts kill desire. They kill opportunity for me to stand in my rightness, for me to receive and for him to be a king and fulfill desire. The masculine lives to fulfill desire. It’s up to me to open my system to own it, share it, hold it and then receive it.
Holding the weight of desire asks me to sit in the truth of who I am. It’s vulnerable and powerful. Desire is my compass, my fuel and keeps me feeling alive and alert.
Desire is also confronting — it’s a strong destabilizing force and it can shift things on a dime. That can be uncomfortable because there’s risk of change. When I learn to work with my mind to focus on the desire itself and not the fear around it, I am more willing to trust my desires. Desire can be huge and life changing, like wanting to move, change careers or date someone new. These could be challenging desires to let out because they effect other people. Other desires are light and joyful, like wanting a salt bath or a hot almond milk latte with cinnamon.
And then on my birthday in late August, he handed me a beautifully wrapped box and I knew immediately what it was.
Six months of pure rightness and pleasure around this desire. He was thrilled to give it to me. His smile was a mile wide. I felt joy and gratitude in the receiving. Gratitude for his willingness and gratitude to myself for holding this amongst a million reasons to let it go.
Desire Research Lessons:
1. Write Desire Lists
On my phone, on a pretty notepad, on giant paper to hang in my room — whatever feels exciting. Write them down so they are visible! Wake up and see them every day. Only when desires are out, they can be fulfilled. And that is fun! Your desire grows you into the person who is capable of having that desire.
2. Release Release Release
Let go of gripping, attachment and ultimatums. White knuckling kills desire. Not all desires manifest and there’s a really good reason for that. And we may never know what that reason is. Did you know Milton Hershey had a ticket for the Titanic? Imagine if he got on that ship!? I trust that what wants to come to me will come to me and what’s ready to go will go. So I continually practice letting go and release attachment to how things look or to having any particular desire. Maybe something even better is on its way to me.
3. Stay in My Pleasure
Take care of myself. In order to play with desire, I eat well, exercise, push the limits of my mind, body and soul, lean on my girlfriends and do daily practices to keep my mind free of fear. Leaning on a man for all of my needs zaps us both of energy and livelihood. I do my inner work and show up to him nourished, joyful and willing to share my desires. The masculine loves to fulfill desire and is blessed by the rich ride of the feminine.
4. Express Gratitude
Thank your man for his curiosity about your desire and for his willingness to fulfill it, regardless of whether he does or does not. Recognize yourself for owning your desire in the face of a million opportunities to kill it. Gratitude for what is is the gateway to manifesting more of your desires.
Each desire I speak or manifest propels me into the most alive current version of myself. That is how I want to live — following the beat of who I am, what brings me deep joy and truly experiencing and loving life. Desire has me feel fully alive, like the woman I am meant to be.